Lies.

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه

How many times do we lie to ourself a day? Fool ourself a day? Just to get away from the guilt of not doing enough, not feeling sufficient enough? How many times do we do things that distract us from whats most important in our life?

Do you think that car really matters? That big house really matters? That boyfriend/girlfriend really matters?

Will it matter the day you stand before Allah and tell Him why your prayers were half if not no hearted? Will it matter the day that you have to stand before Allah and tell Him that at that moment in time you thought that exam, that job, that person was more important than a conversation He decreed upon you? 10-15 minutes at most to complete one salah? Will any of it matter?

Mostly of us are guilty of this, most of us will dread the day we leave this world because of this, but we keep it all silent, we push it down so far and we accept it. We think things like today I’m too busy I’ll just make my prayer two or three minutes or I’ll just bang out 5 salahs before I go to sleep, or this is making me all feel too guilty so do you know what? I am not going to do any of it.

When we realise that our problems fade with sincere Salah? When will we realise the mercy of Allah allows us to walk another day with an opportunity to do more and do better? When will we realise Allah offers us everything our hearts yearn for?

In sha Allah I hope that day comes for us all.

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My Mums Revert Story.

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه

Those who have been following me are likely to remember my Mum passing away in 2015. I pray for all of those who helped me in such a sore period of my life AND helped your sister to be buried. I don’t get a chance to talk about her very much especially her reverting because being a revert myself my family won’t understand.

Me and my mum had a difficult relationship growing up. I hadn’t lived with her since I was 11 due to her starting again in Doncaster when I had started secondary school and had a very close relationship with my Aunt which led me to stay behind in London. It was a rough period in which she wanted me to go with her but respected my wishes to stay. I think she wanted to get away from the city and also her bad period of her mum passing away around that time, they were very close.

We did not see each other often due to the distance but she always kept in contact to let me know I was loved and she was thinking about me. I think about the times when I was an ignorant teenager and did not pick up the phone because I was 13 and had other things to do like ‘watch tv’ and whatever kids do at that age, thinking that we know it all.

When I called her to tell her about my reversion, I remember standing in the kitchen breaking the news. There was no hostility and there was no arguments in fact, she gave me the Islamic channels to watch on sky tv as she had come across them. She was supportive and always respected my wishes and always told me how proud she was of me no matter what.

My mum didn’t have the best of health throughout her life, having 5 daughters and a complicated surgery and other factors caused her to be ill quite a lot. At the age of 47, Subhan Allah she gave us the news that she had stage 4 cancer and that her time was limited. In this period of time she travelled to London to see everybody. I think it really hit her and family issues started to arise due to her worry and panic. I sat down with her whilst she told me the problem and spoke to her logically and calmed her down about what was going on, I saw her understand and ease the situation more as everyone was on edge. She soon after returned home.

I was studying my alevels at the time and she was in Doncaster, they were talking about treatment, but in the end they gave her time on her life in which I went to stay with her in her final period of time in this world.

I dragged my hijab and abaya all the way to this town of Doncaster which had people in it who would stare at my mum like she was an alien JUST because she was mixed race, she was a fairly pale mixed race colour too which made it all the more shocking. The ignorance there was real. I walked around 20ft from the house to the only little shop around and someone shouted out their window ‘excuse me, can you speak English please?’ The joke was on them as the only language I speak is English but apparently I automatically came from somewhere else. Not to mention my mums call out medication nurse, who had to be told by my mums night nurse to stop staring, although I was completely oblivious to her gaze the night nurse was very friendly and we got along well in which she said she was outstanded by how the call out nurse was staring at me over a headscarf and dress. I spoke perfectly good English to them and greeted them as you do but apparently that must have been out of this world for her especially figuring out the ‘normal’ looking woman in the bed was my mother.

That was the period of time where they sent her home to be more comfortable. However when I arrived in Doncaster and went to the hospital where she was staying she sat me down after a tearful greeting (from my side anyway) and told me how I dealt with her situation in London, how she wanted to know why I was the way I was, she loved the person I had become due to my religion, who Allah had made me. She knew it and she then told me she was interested in Islam. It was a dream come true to me. I had lugged a few books with me at the time just with a slight hope she would maybe listen about Allah but she approached me first about it and that was all I could ever asked for.

I started off with the basics in which she told me she believed in a higher power and just one power. The time I spent with her was very sad, she was in a lot of pain but still wanted to assure me that everything was okay and most of all wanted me to read to her. My mum who I had never had a really deep religious talk with was shocking me every minute. One moment in particular, when she sat up from her hospital bed in so much pain and out of no where said “Oh god please forgive me for my sins”. I was speechless. My mum did not have any religious tendency’s throughout her life.

Although drowsy on her medication, over the days I read to her and answered her questions. She asked about my hijab, she asked me to try one on in which I gladly put one on her as the other patients watched. She was thrilled, subhan Allah, she said to me it makes her feel very comfortable and different, peaceful. I always asked myself why I couldn’t stop crying during these times but can you blame me? She was understanding why I was the way I was, because I loved and feared Allah. She trusted me to tell her the truth and tell her what happens when it comes to the time she will pass. She was understanding and she was accepting of it, she knew the answers to the questions she would be asked.

Her reversion took place one night, she arranged to have me stay in the hospital alone with her. She knew she accepted it but then I wanted her to know as much as she could before she took her shahada. This night however, was a bad one. I was so frightened seeing how much pain she was in, crying because the nurses were taking too long. Watching her in that much pain, it was my worst nightmare.

When she had started to feel better I told her I was quite worried, I told her I wanted the best for her but honestly I couldn’t bring myself to keep much composure in front of her. My mum could have died that night with only me there and I was terrified. I asked her if she wanted to take her shahada that night and she said yes and by the mercy of Allah she took her declaration, her whole shahada, she declared Allah as her lord and Allah alone and the prophets saw as her messengers.

She returned to Allah a few days afterwards.

I wish this would have meant everything was at peace afterwards, but everything started to get worse. As my family aren’t religious, cremation to them isn’t an issue, in fact growing up and my nan being cremated when I was 11 I didn’t think much of it. However, In Islam, we are not meant to be cremated and returned just how we were born in this world.

They had asked my mum while she was alive if she wanted to be cremated, she told them she wanted to be buried but I also told her afterwards that religiously she shouldn’t be cremated, so she informed the family that her decision was final.

However, my family were looking to cremate her after she died for her to be in the same plot as my Nan, partially for costs and partially because that’s what they wanted. I had to become so strong at this point in which I had to firmly tell them no. I had to become so hostile so that they would understand that there was no joke about this, I had to threaten them that it would be the last they would hear of me whilst listening to them tell me that she only said she was Muslim to make me happy, but they didn’t see what I saw, and didn’t understand the time that I had spent with her.

Alhamdulillah my stubborn persistence paid off but although a win, there was many losses, they still wanted her to be buried near my nan, and they were not going to accept a Janaza, at this point I had to just accept her being buried and not cremated. The plot also was so expensive and more than they could afford so alhamdulillah with the will of Allah with the help of the ummah in Ramadan 2015 the money was raised in less than two days thanks to our brothers and sisters, my mum, your sister, was buried and not cremated.

I can never tell you those who helped if you’re reading this how grateful I am and how big a deed you done for my mum. I want to ask your forgiveness because I know a lot of you also wanted to attend but my family refused any one but family attending. I pray that Allah grants you the highest level of Jannah for this deed. Please keep my family in your duas so that one day their hearts may turn to Allah like my mums did and accept Islam.

I love you all for the sake of Allah.

Breaking point.

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه

It has literally been two years since my last blog post. Getting it all on my blog and most of all when people would message me about my blog made my heart so warm. You never know who’s reading or is going through the exact same thing.

I hope this blog written by someone in struggle can help you through the hard times.

“How do I write this? How do I write feelings that I won’t accept that I have or do anything to change? I haven’t spoken to my Lord in what feels like forever, a few words here and there but truly not enough. I lost who I was, who I worked hard to be with his blessing because I thought even then I wouldn’t be enough.

I was slowly slipping overtime, with it came the glue that stuck the new me in place. How do I change now? With what became such an empty heart and mind, so many scars and so much ignorance.

I want to be the old me, but saying that, was I ever good enough? I couldn’t stand the sin, I wanted to be perfect, anything less was defeat but yet the effort was too much. Perfection is impossible so I always felt defeated and everything was a burden. Hopeless, I felt, with sadness I dealt.

Then a time came where leaving everything seemed easier or equal to what I was. Oh, how I didn’t realise the inequality of the two. Every sin I did crushed my soul and my conscience became to much too bare. I stood in prayer tired and hopeless, but at least I stood for it. Defended and protected my Religion and my soul with the utmost guard until I let go.

Everyone sins, everyone has their holes in their Imaan, whatever it may be. It’s whether you let them take hold of you and your innermost core. When they taint you the seal begins to bleed into who you were. Indeed, with the sin you let in a monster, the monster is you, the dark you that slithers and lurks, the dark you that compresses shame and honesty, the dark you that wants what it desires and goes to get it no matter the price.

I began to ignore the One that takes care of me most in this world, who picks me up when I have sinned, the One who brushes me off when I fall for this dunya. I had begun to love what was easier, what was ‘normal’ what wouldn’t keep me up worrying if I could have done something better. I chose to love this world and the people in it and with it I lost myself. I buried her deep, I ignored her calls and cries for me to go back to what was right. I had hit rock bottom so fast without knowing it, I became deaf, I became everything I was scared of.

Seeking the comfort of this world, I had new people in my life who drained me instead of adding, I watched the light in my heart fade away as everyday I yerned for their attention or affection. I couldn’t turn back to my Lord because of embarassment and the love for the dunya… I lost myself.

All I gained from this world was hopelessness, desire, selfishness and hate after what I was given was so innocent and light. I had to bare the continuous ache in my heart from those who claimed to love me most. It all became a circle of hopelessness, I was never happy. Everything I had tasted was bittersweet, everyone who claimed to had cared for me didn’t. Although far away from my lord, my kindness was my weakness, I wore my heart on my sleeve and I gave so much time to those who did not deserve a second. I climbed mountains for those who barely climbed a step for me, I gave them pieces of myself in order to fix them but they left me broken.

I frustrate myself with so many questions. How was I surrounded by those that were supposed to love me but felt so alone?  Why did I let them make me feel inadequate whilst giving them everything? Why did I struggle but carry them when they needed it? Where were they when I cried or why were they speechless when they saw me cry? Where were they whilst I waited for them to fulfil their empty promises? Where were they when I needed them? But still I made every effort and loved them. That was my fault, that was my weakness.

I almost can’t admit it, but this is what happens when you choose the dunya. It is easy for a while, it is bliss for a while, it allowed me to leave my torturous conscience for a while, but I was paid back with worse. My fear of doing so wrong allowed me to do worse. THIS, is what happens when you fill your space in your heart meant for Allah with temporary people, temporary love.

It is up to Allah how far you go and it is up to Him whether you come back or not. I assure you, I do not deserve a seeds worth of His mercy. I don’t deserve the guilt that flickered a light back into my heart. I don’t deserve Him answering my dua and I do not deserve the people He put in my life that saw me in the state that I was and waited for a sign of the old me.

So with this, even though a broken person, I called upon Allah to break my heart. What I’m already describing sounds like immense heartbreak but I called upon him to break my heart and make it broken so that I could not love those who did not love me. I asked him to break it in a way that I could not convince myself that they would change and to leave those who I loved most in this world so I could get over it and become realistic over how I was living my life.

The dunya is exhausting with all of its pleasures and one night in a midst of sadness my friend reminded me that Allah is Al-Jabbar- healer of hearts. I asked Al-Jabbar to break my heart but I ask that he heals it in such a way that I have learned my lesson, that I never look back and that I never seek any benefits in the dunya.

Together, we all must remember whoever comes into your life may leave, your friends and even your devoted spouse and eventually all that will be left is Allah and what he taught us was best for us. Your sins will only defeat you if you let them, so I ask you to stay strong and firm and from experience to get rid of the bad people in your life and trust in Allah because at the end of all of this, all I had was Allah and my friends who reminded me of him.”

I love you all for the sake of Allah. 

Struggles as a Revert

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه

I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve blogged, I haven’t got around to writing about anything new. I took to twitter to find out which topic would be best for me to write about (Jazak Allahu Khair for those who gave feedback). In sha Allah in this blog post I will be opening up to how it is like to live as Revert. My story may not be a general perception, everyone has their own difficulties and struggles as set by Allah swt. I will include my own experiences and experiences of other reverts within this blog.

When I came to Islam, everything changed. I was exposed to a whole new life, new routines, new eating habits, new way of understanding and thinking and I loved every single bit of it. However, taking on a new life even as amazing as Islam doesn’t mean there are no struggles, and in sha allah this blog will show the Ummah and help new reverts with their situations.
The hardest part of being a revert is being lonely sometimes, no one is in your position. You have great Muslim friends… but no one can really understand what you’re going through, how this big realisation is, how it is the first thing you think about when you wake up, and the last thing you think about when you go to sleep. Your brain is working overtime and you become so tired of your own thoughts, for a while it’s like your brain doesn’t switch off even in sleep. The adjusting time is probably different for all reverts.

Born Muslims will not really understand or know the feeling of how people now look at you differently, like there’s a great big ‘loony’ sign on your forehead after once being so “normal” amongst those around you. Also, how everything that you used to do, you can’t do, you’re not familiar with some things. You drop everything because this is your life now, there’s no half way there’s no getting to it, you’ll feel incredibly bad, so you drop everything and run towards right, then you see born Muslims doing what you used to do and what you’ve changed, and then you still feel different from them, you know that it’s wrong so then you still kind of feel alone. An example could be eating halal, over-checking ingredients before you eat, avoiding everything single haram food ingredient possible.

Low Imaan is tough, at times of low Imaan there’s no one around you that can make you feel motivated, there isn’t parents motivating you to do stuff and even worse if you don’t have a good set of practising friends. Although you’re pretty capable, in times of low Imaan there’s no big family to drag you up to pray, to read with or learn with, to fast with, to have iftar with or to pray fajr with.

In terms of family, you then sometimes pretty much have no one to talk to or debate with, because now everything you say is “because of your religion”. Like you could say something something literally on the terms of   “There’s so much traffic” and they can pretty much respond to you with “it’s because of your religion”, so imagine what it’s like when you have an actual opinion on something. Nothing you say to them is pretty much held at value because even if you want to sleep for an extra hour it’s because “your religion told you so”. Forgive me if you think I’m exaggerating, I’m actually not lol.

This furthers into your friendship groups. You probably have groups of friends that now feel like you’ve mentally flown to Syria or something. Some feel like they are being rejected by you or especially looked down on (as well as family) just because you won’t really take an interest in what you used to do. Which could be anything from simple activities like listening to music or hanging around with male friends etc.

My personal experience of not wanting to join something or disagreeing with is normally “oh you think your so holy now -insert something that used to happen here-“. In some cases reverts might be left with no friends because of their friends being now the complete opposite e.g. Party goers, regular drinkers etc and the revert may be from a scarcely populated Muslim area making it very hard and lonely.

You can also get thrown into the vulnerable category, everyone now thinks your vulnerable to becoming extreme and ditching wherever you’re from to go wave a gun at BBC from another country. To me personally, I feel strong enough coming to the religion off of secure help and own choice that I am not particularly into extremism, don’t get me wrong some reverts can go straight into extremism but for me and probably for most reverts our extremism is halal ingredients and the paranoia over the perfection of wudhu! Lol!

However, some reverts being alone in terms of family and no ties ofcourse can be targets. Also for sisters it can be easy for us to be drawn into marry into such and without our family knowing such of their family is another form of lack of protection from this possiblity (can be the same for brothers). Also having a set of friends like this can morph your opinions and lifestyle more than we think.

There is also a bunch of assumptions of why you reverted and no matter what you say, they know why you reverted more than you do so don’t worry about it! because they are right! Lol jk. An example of mine is I used to go to a college and on my bus journey there was family friend who worked by a school near the college, so would often be on the bus and get off at the same stop. At this point I hadn’t told anyone but 3-4 members of family (I think) and I was observing hijab.

I managed to avoid being identified by her a few times as we shared the same bus by tapping my oyster and turning my face to wherever she wasn’t sitting, why would she assume it was me right? However, this one time I got on and tapped my oyster she happened to be paying attention to who was getting on the bus. I noticed she then became fixed on my face but I quickly scurried down the bus and sat down where the buggies are placed. Two stops before we were to get off she stood up and “subtly” hovered where the buggies were supposed to be. I kept my face down and on my phone, I was thinking “maybe she will just continue after she gets off the bus and think wow that Muslim girl looks just like her! But nope. Our stop came and she got off and I purposely let everyone get off before me. I got off the bus and just in case, I bent down and fixed my perfectly intact laces on my boots. After fiddling around I stood up and she was standing with her colleague who she was on the bus with in front of me like “really, you thought I wouldn’t notice”. She wasn’t hostile she was just shocked, we giggled about it and I told her all the times I managed to sneak past her and she wasn’t mad, she understood. Ofcourse she was asking why and saying its nothing to do with ISIS right?! But as I was assuring her and as she was asking, her colleague who I don’t even know butted in like “she’s married”. So me and my family friend stopped in our tracks and looked at her like …? She had assumed that I converted and was wearing the hijab because of a husband, even though I was midway explaining to my family friend with her right there. After both of us being baffled my family friend was like no she’s not. Like SubhanAllah at least someone had an open mind and was listening.

This last thing I will discuss (because I’ve made this post so long!) is family members dying as Non-Muslims. This is an experience nearly every revert may have to go through. To watch the closest people to them die upon other religions that may contain shirk or complete and utter disbelief. Imagine the case of having a parent die on disbelief and we can’t even make dua for them. Imagine watching them die on things that you know Allah Swt has said he will not forgive, such as shirk. Or in other cases they may have family members that get sick by cancer which can sometimes be considered as slow suicide (depending) or being on a complete ignorant path that rejects any form of higher being such as atheism and they die while they haven’t accepted the truth, while their hearts aren’t open. In some cases have family members who actually commit suicide. Reverts have to deal with this, knowing that everything is out of their hands and while they are trying not to despair, trying to pluck every ounce of hope they have and trust in Allah Swt.

Being a revert is the biggest blessing that I could wish for or the other reverts could wish for, but it doesn’t come without these hardships and pain. Some reverts put everything they have on the line to accept the truth. We get through this with the trust of Allah Swt and his verse “Verily after hardship comes ease 94:5-6”. We also trust in the fact we have such a big blessing out of all the world, we were chosen to be on his path and to pray to him whereas others accept ignorance. We are not perfect, and we are not meant to be, we are all sinners, but we must try to never lose hope and we must try to get up after we fall down and never turn back to what we used to know. If we haven’t gotten back up, we must recognise that the doors of repentance are always open for us and Allah Swt wants us to come back. This advice is for me to remember and to my fellow reverts and even born Muslims.

I ask Allah to grant the Ummah the highest health and imaan and sincere repentance and guidance for our family members who are not on the right path, Ameen. 🌸

A Long Time 


السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه

It’s been so long since I’ve written a blog post! A lot a lot a lottttt has gone on since I last posted which if you follow my social media you will be aware of. 

I’ve officially hit over the year and a half mark of being Muslim! Alhamdulillah! It feels so much longer than that and I love my life. I can’t imagine my life without Islam now, praying, or  being aware of my purpose and the comfort of Allah swt. 

My second Ramadhan! Favourite time of the year! It wasn’t that hard for me to fast Alhamdulillah and I spent most of my Iftars with my friend and her family or eating out which I am very grateful for seen as most reverts find Ramadhan sometimes a great but lonely experience. Ramadhan brings us all together and increases the love in the ummah and those who weren’t practising taking a turn for the better or trying their best. It’s just such a comforting month for me.

Following my social media you’ll probably know that just before Ramadhan my mum passed away. May Allah grant her jannah, Ameen. Ramadhan right there made everything easier and really reduced any grief. Alhamdulillah I can now say that I am not the only Muslim in the family and I ask Allah to widen her grave and forgive her sins and that we will meet in jannah! I also pray that Allah grants those who helped me in this time Jannah, Ameen!

I have also been a hijabi now for  over a year! SubhanAllah. I couldn’t imagine my life without it. It’s my protection from Allah and I find that comfort the motivation to not even think about ever taking it off. 

As for education I’m up on an access course because of missing my A2s due to circumstance but I’m sha Allah that will all go well! 

I’d love to hear from some sisters or anyone with any questions! My social media is

  • Twitter-  veiledmuslimah_
  • Instagram-  theveiledmuslimah_
  • Snapchat- veiledmuslimah 

I hope Allah keeps you all in high imaan and keeps you steadfast! Ameen.

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُ

Family Reaction To Me Becoming A Muslim

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه

  الحَمْد لله‎ I can say compared to some revert stories even though it was difficult, it is not much compared to what I have heard.
How I told them…. Well… As I started to listen to the Quran before I took my shahada I played it louder than you would usually play something LOL just to hint. I was asked by them why I was playing it and I told them that I liked it. A while after I took my shahada and I sat down my aunt (who is my guardian) and told her… She definitely wasn’t happy and loads of arguments arose. She’s not the kind that hates Muslims but obviously she was worried about my welfare as she was exposed to media stereotypes and like I was her knowledge of Islam is small. We still argue about it to this day a year on, and she told me she would never support me with my beliefs but  ‎‎‎سبحان الله, she does get on with the fact that I need to pray and does buy me halal meat. We have come to a silent agreement to generally not bring the topic up at all as all it does is bring arguments. It’s sad for me for her not to understand and support that I’ve never been so happy and this is the path but I pray that Allah azza wa jal opens her heart to Islam and guides her. 

The rest of my family didn’t argue with me about it and although they may not agree they asked me questions and will support me as long as it makes me happy. There were a few comments but you learn to cope with it because at the end of the day Allah chose to guide me and الحَمْد لله‎ for everything. 

The only advice that I can give reverts when it comes to their family is to show them the positive characteristics that you gain in sha Allah. It’s hard not to be down and annoyed if someone who is unsupportive of it argues with you but remember anger is from shaytaan and Allah is with those who are patient and after hardship comes ease. In sha Allah, the Ummah can give sufficient dawah through our manners and personality, ameen. 

My Hijab Story

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

I put on the hijab on the first day of Ramadan 2014. My memory is quite bad, Allah forgive me if some of the information is slightly wrong. Sister M came to my house where I put on a skirt which was long and flowy; I wasn’t used to this I was always in skinny jeans. I didn’t really plan on becoming a hijabi and whether it was going to be permanent. I wanted to obviously cover because I was fasting and hijab began to become something that I found beautiful and a gift from Allah and I needed a opportunity to just got for it.

I didn’t actually have a hijab Lool but I was going to the masjid to meet sister M and W and figured I might as well put on a hijab. So I found a circular scarf from H&M that was black and wrapped it around my hair. It was actually quite good LOL. That was the first time I left my house with a hijab. I got on the bus with sister M and I never felt so free, it was a really strange feeling but a good feeling. I started to want to observe hijab as time went on but other reverts will know it’s a nerve wracking decision and don’t know what is the right time to put it on. We met sister W in the masjid where we went through salah to teach me fully and make sure I was doing it right. Sister W gave me my first abaya and it was so pretty, the details to the tassels everything about it.

I had college the next day and it was daunting, I had attended for seven years. How daunting right? No one knew me like this. It was after exams but we had to go back to start A2 until summer time actually came. I was a year behind in study as completing a year and deciding to change my courses totally, so my friends were in A2 and just finished their exams and there was no reason for them to come back to college. I was friendly with those in my year but not enough I guess I didn’t really know any of them.

I woke up the next day and the fear hit me of going into college with no one there for me to hide behind or to take my mind off the fact that people would be staring. So I just ended up crying and I didn’t go in (big saddo right, I’d laugh at myself now). I instagramed a few girls from my year who were hijabis, I didn’t know them practically at all I was just crazed like I don’t know what to do etc because by then the college had figured out I reverted. They replied and they were so welcoming, they assured me I could stay with them throughout the day and save me from my (islamaphobic) chemistry teacher.

I met with the sister I had messaged over Instagram before school and Alhamdulillah I was dying inside but her company made it easier, also accompanied by a very supportive Christian friend who met with me before to make it easier.
The sisters that I messaged when dying over going into school are now literally my family and I would do anything for them.

I went into school and it was very nerve wracking, where do I look? Is someone going to scream? 😂 How do I walk into a class full of people? Alhamdulillah there were good reactions and those in my college were very supportive. Although some gawking disappointed reactions and questions from my chemistry teacher, easily dealt with, and my psychology teacher who said ‘did you have to dress like a Arab though?’ Subhanallah I was just wearing a top and a skirt and scarf 😂. Honestly, I’m glad that I took that step right then because only Allah knows where I would be now if I didn’t.

Hijab as time went along got easier, I casually went into an abaya and I’ll never turn back haha. My hijab style? Nope, wrap it around your head, make sure you got a lot of coverage and get going Lool. Mine is very basic but when you mix your hijab with styling and so many styling techniques you might have to look and realise the hijab that you ended up with isn’t the prescribed one in the Quran

وَ لاَ يُبْدِيْنَ زِيْنَتَهُنَّ إِلاَّ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَ لْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلىَ جُيُوْبِهِنَّ…

“…and not display their beauty except what is apparent, and they should place their khumur over their bosoms…”

Advice to those that want to observe hijab revert or not, honestly take the plunge it’s only one or two days of heart drops haha! Ramadan is coming up soon and in sha Allah we make it. Putting it on in the first day of Ramadan is a huge back up of confidence and you feel like (even though you should be wearing it, it’s Fardh) it is easier because you’re also fasting. Don’t listen to anything negative because at the end of the day, Allah chose you to be guided and putting the hijab on for the sake of Allah is love for him. I don’t know about you but I felt beautiful, and no not in the way that would attract men, hijab is beauty and security that Allah has told us to wear.

If you feel like you’re ready right now and you don’t want to wait for Ramadan just go for it! My dear sister, be beautiful in the eyes of Allah rather than the gawking men in the street, wallahi it’s a blessing.

If you feel like you can’t maintain wearing a hijab permanently make dua to Allah:

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ

Yaa Muqallibal Quloob Thabbit Qalbee ‘alaa Deenik.

“Oh turner of the hearts (Allah, the Most High), keep our hearts firm on your religion”

It also helps to put yourself in a public situation, such as going to your college or workplace, taking it off will be harder than you think 😝 Alhamdulillah honestly.

Any sistersthat need support through this can contact me on Twitter in sha Allah  – @veiledmuslimah_

Until You Return

You don’t know when your last day will come or how, you don’t know how when you’ll breathe your last vowel. We leave death as a concern as little as a spot on our face, we forget that the Angel of Death works at Allah’s pace. Can you imagine a life not knowing what happens after? Trust me, I’ve been there, I’ve been a kafir, let me tell you what it’s like…

Not a reason to life, questioning a hereafter, pain and crisis and all this drama… For what?

Crying over the ones you love that passed, visiting their graves, why did time go so fast? Imagining what else you could have done. 

You feel they can hear your tears of sorrow and how you miss them, you make them live on like that’s all they have, a place on this world and then nothing.

Dear friends and family don’t do this for me. I am not there, I am not listening. I don’t want to hear the words that you never told me when I was living. I don’t want your mourning; I don’t want your tears after all these years. I don’t want you to come and talk to me and bring me flowers, I don’t want you to come and kiss my grave. Why? Because this is not for me, where are my flowers now? Where are my kisses now? Have I misheard? Where are your kind words? I am being questioned, my concern will not be you, my concern will not be your ‘mourning’. My concern is what I have or have not done to get to Jannah and meet my Lord, the one I have been waiting for all this time.

Dear Muslims, I see Rest in Peace on your profiles, I see Rest in Peace in your reactions to death. NO dear sister, NO dear brother, Inna Lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un , To Allah we belong and to Allah is our return. How dare you wish your ummah ‘rest in peace’. Rest in peace where? You know they are being questioned in their graves where the angels are asking them

WHO IS YOUR LORD?

WHAT IS YOUR RELIGION?

WHO IS YOUR PROPHET?

Do you think those that can’t answer these questions, do you think those that didn’t pray their Salah are ‘resting in peace’ do you think this process is tranquil and like Jannah?

Saying ‘rest in peace’ oh dear brother, oh dear sister is like assuming they are entering Jannah, is Jahannam resting in peace?! The blindness that Allah gave to them, do you think there will be peace? The partners they took with Allah, do you think there will peace? AND even then the most righteous looking person, the most religious looking person, do you know what happened behind closed doors? You are not Allah, you do not determine their tranquil.

I would apologise for being so straight forward, but I just can’t.

 

Until your return, until your return my brothers and sisters is the issue. Do you think how much sin one sentence can get you? Do you realise that ignorance is bliss but only for this lifetime? Do you realise the hard truth that when it comes to death you didn’t plan a right time? You don’t choose it. The Angel of Death dear brothers and sisters has another name on the list. It doesn’t matter how rich you are it doesn’t matter how pious, your life on this earth will cease to exist.

Did you pray your Salah, do you have good intentions? When your tongue flies harshly where was your apprehension?

Let us clean our hearts and clean our soul, to return to the creator that made us whole. He didn’t want half of a Muslim, half the effort, he didn’t want us to just acknowledge he was there he wanted us to try so when we die we will be fine and we are returned to our Lord who we feel like we already know, Ummah, oh Ummah for the sake of Allah let us return whole.

I’d like to spread this message, but it’s a message for me first. Take your own advice; practice what you preach before you end up with the worst.

Looking into Islam/ My Shahada 

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

(Throughout this blog post the sisters involved will be referred to by letters to avoid using their real names)

I remember looking into Islam probably early 2013 and read a few things online but again was basic information but more than before. Having alevels I stopped my study of Islam and didn’t bother until late 2013 ‎‎‎سبحان الله. I still didn’t feel anything for Islam like I do now when I originally kind of looked at first because I was always just Jodie, Jodie who didn’t care about religion, Jodie who for a joke would say “well, I’m going hell anyway” I was very joky and sarcastic about even my own “religion” never mind learning about any other. I had a very loud college tutor who loved to talk about Christianity in a class full of Muslims, so obviously when the time came to debate I was obviously on the side of Christianity not knowing a single thing and throwing facts, I think it was then I realised Issa عليه السلام was a prophet which I can still remember being confused and curious if the difference of Issa  عليه السلام in Christianity and Issa عليه السلام in Islam but I still didn’t straight away further my research on this. 

However, late 2013, I remember a study period in my College where I obviously wasn’t studying haha and I began to look at a few sisters that I knew from college and was thinking why why why etc so much like other reverts I began to google. Before I knew it I had read some verses in the Quran and came upon a recording of it. سبحان الله the sound touched me, it was nothing like I’ve heard before… Why was it recited like this? Why is it making me feel this way? I started to search the story of Muhammad عليه السلام. I like most started from basic information I remember reading a kids book about Muhammad عليه السلام LOL الحَمْد لله, any information at the beginning is helpful. I watched series of his life and other things.

 I discussed my curiosity with Sister M who was originally a close friend of mine and she  was very helpful allahumma barik laha. She answered my questions and my interest shocked her because she had known me for 6+ years and growing up together she knew me as the Jodie as above LOL. She took me to her home to meet her sister in which they were so welcoming and answered all of my questions. We wondered around and ate at a restaurant. This was probably the first time I realised that I had opened my mind to Islam and I wanted to know more about it. After a while they introduced me to Sister W who I met in November 2013. The one thing you will notice about Muslims is they are kind and not judgemental and so helpful. We sat at we spoke until what was it like 11-12am? LOL. All the information about Allah azza wa jal and his mercy and all the belief that started to enter my heart I just wanted to cry, I kept composure though I didn’t want to look insane haha. Sister M said she saw it on my face and she thought I was going to say right there look guys I’m ready for my shahada but I didn’t, I had gut feeling to research more and be certain about it. I mean Islam is a lifestyle it’s literally a practise and when you start to find Islam in your heart you will automatically begin to practise out of love for Allah azza wa jal. Even if it is to wear slightly longer clothes at that point or to stop cursing or to say to a guy nope sorry I don’t want to high five! LOL. You will never feel any kind of love that you know of with high iman and we can’t deny that high iman comes with learning and the motivation to learn. 

Months past by and I continued a slight study with a open heart and a bag full of questions for those around me. I also had one/two members who had left Islam in the college in which I asked questions/ debated about (please make dua for them) but one I particular said say Jodie I haven’t seen you this happy, I was starting to change, subtle but noticeable by those who were close with me.

There then came a time in February 2014, where Sister W asked me and Sister M to meet her and she had some sisters that wanted to meet and talk. We travelled on that journey and got completely lost haha. Eventually we met with Sister W and the sisters and we sat and ate and they asked me if I had questions, I felt like I had asked enough questions and now I want more knowledge so I asked them tell me what you know, tell me about stories etc. After a while of this we left our space and went into another space, I whispered to Sister M on the journey there that I was ready and I wanted to take my shahada and she told Sister W privately as we all walked. I felt right then that I was ready even with a few months open mind and study because do you know what the truth is there is probably no amount of information to know about Islam to be ready to take your shahada. You don’t just stop learning after you take your shahada you keep learning. To be honest I could have not taken my shahada when I was with the sisters and if it was my time I could have been  ran over all sorts of things without taking my declaration of faith. I wanted to be a Muslim , I believed in Allah azza wa jal. I had grown a love for Allah and I no longer had to worry about things I used to worry about. I was searching for a long time to find peace in my heart about God and life and I only found it with Allah and Islam. 

We got to the second place which was outside, we sat around a table in the cold and I became nervous, I knew it was what I wanted and it was me taking a step to my journey to Allah. We sat and Sister W asked me if I was ready I said yes and held onto Sister M’s hand like it was for dear life. I then took my shahada right there with four beautiful sisters with me. After I said it there wasn’t words I just burst out crying, tears down my face and being welcomed in to the religion with cuddles, I looked up and realised I wasn’t the only one crying. I had taken the step and I was now by his will, going to give my life to Allah subhanah wa ta’ala, who knows where I would be without his allowance to come into his religion, how merciful is he to take me from where I was, onto his path. It was such a beautiful moment with those sisters and I thank Allah that I shared it with you, I love you for the sake of Allah that you were there with me on my journey whilst learning and there with me when I declared there is No God but Allah, none is worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad عليه السلام is his messenger. 

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